Decisions keep needing to be made

I found this post from one of my old blogs that I did 6 years ago. I'm guessing from the way it's written that I was doing a lot of services at church around this time.
But the interesting thing is- much of it still applies. It feels like I have all this "stuff" going on that I'm trying to get through... turns out it's jut life. Go figure.

There are decisions to be made. I don't want to make them. I want them to go away- to just work out on their own. Waiting longer doesn't make it any easier, or any harder, just more urgent. As if adding pressure is going to help make a clear determination.

I have faced my demons often enough that they no longer scare me. I have allowed myself to be torn and destroyed, then recreated myself upon the ruins of who I once was. I have experienced such radical metamorphoses that I have felt the fabric of reality around me warp. The person I was 12, 10, even 5 years ago would not recognize me as I stand today.

I don't care to go through any of that again, which is one reason why decisions must be made, and also why I don't want to make them. If only I could glimpse what is further down any of the roads, I would have some idea of which one to take. But there is no crystal ball, I am not afforded the luxury of a flashlight or a map. I am feeling my way blindly in the dark. I do not feel alone in any sense of the word, however the decisions I need to make can me made only by me. At one time in my life situations as this would terrorize me. Now, it is yet another labyrinth to unravel, and to now I have avoided it at nearly all costs. And it has nearly cost me all.
Each time I have thought I have made a decision, life has presented a counter-offer of sorts. I don't know if there is a right or a wrong resolution. I continue on, delicately feeling my way by making only the smallest and most imperative choices. I know that I need to make the immense decisions before they are made for me- I am not one who does well with loss of control. That does not make it any easier.

Never in my wildest imagination did I foresee any of this. Never would I have thought that I would experience so much anguish after resolving what were the most personally emotionally painful times in my life.
I am the person I built around the unsalvagable remains of who I was. Can the person I am now continue to live the life created by who I once was, with the shadow of the past ever-present?
There are decisions to be made. The time has come to make them.